Movin' on up...

So I have made the transition over to Wordpress, and it seems to be going without a hitch (minus some copy and pasting issues) so go ahead and migrate on over to continue reading my wonderfully witty and urbane musings...

A rolling stone gathers no moss, but can get a decent fan club...

So, while I have resigned myself to letting Google have control over most aspects of my life (damn you Google Tasks!), I don't really like the limitations of blogger.  So I am in the process of moving this site over to wordpress.  

Please pardon our dust as we renovate to better serve you.

Can I file for tax exemption?

I recently completed a weekend drill with the National Guard.  This was my last drill weekend before I go to Basic Training and I was saying good bye to several of the people I had gotten to know over the course of the last 8 months.  One of the things that has occurred during these weekends with the Army is that establishment of the Cult of Dorkus.  Apparently the amount of push-ups that I can do in one minute has achieved Herculean proportions.

How this began isn't too clear.  For some background, back in high school during a period of time where I seem to break an arm every year due to the egg shell thinness of my bones, I was forbidden from lifting weights and in fact really doing any sort of upper body exercise that could in theory cause my arms to shatter and lose all functionality.  However there was one exercise that my orthopedic surgeon said I could do: Push-ups.

Yes Push-ups were the only thing I could actually do to work out my skinny ass.  So that is what I did, slowly at night doing a set of twenty push-ups, waiting ten minutes, doing another set, and so on until I did one hundred.  This continued every night, day by day, week by week, month by month until I was doing set of sixty and doing three hundred push-ups a night.  Mind you I still stayed skinny, but developed a fairly healthy barrel chest.  And when I was in college, when I decided to start losing the freshman 40 (yes 40), push-ups were where I started.

So needless to say, I do push-ups, I do lots of push-ups, I don't have an issue doing push-ups.

Anyways, every month we have to have a PT test.  It's no big deal, push-up, sit-ups, and a mile run.  I treat it like my exercise for the day.  At my first drill weekend, I wasn't trying to stand out, I was mostly trying to keep to myself so I didn't say anything about my push-up ability.  However after my test, the guys were all sharing their stats for the test.  Guys would say things like 'Oh I did 34', 'I did 40', they look at me and I say 'Yeah, I uh, I did 55.'

"Damn Maximus (because we call each other by last names), how'd you do so many?" is the typical response I'd get.

And so it began.  Every weekend, while waiting for the test to begin, the guys would start asking me, 'So how many push-ups do you think you're gonna do?  60, 65?'  I would just try to answer modestly, short changing how many I could do.  I'd say, 'I'm tired today so I may just try to break 60.'  Or something along those lines.

Well, I dug myself a hole back in December when, for whatever reason, I knocked out 84 in a minute.  For perspective, maxing out a PT test in basic is 82 push-ups in 2 minutes.  People were somewhat dumbfounded.  So this weekend, all I heard was how I was a push-up machine, that I could do a hundred with one hand.  That I had challenged the Master Sergeant to a push-up contest and kept going till he cried in pain.  Honestly, it was kind of embarrassing.

So during the test, one of the new privates was wearing an A&M sweatshirt, which pleased my Aggie Master Sergeant to the point that he began to mock UT (Hook'em!)  and say that only Aggies new how to really do PT.  Well, I couldn't let that stand, I started mouthing off, trash-talking about how much the Aggies suck and the fact that Longhorns can do everything better.  So then it's my turn and I get int position for the test, with the Master Sergeant standing right over me, counting my push-ups.  By the way, I did 70, but the pressure to perform those push-ups may have been the biggest source of stress I've ever dealt with (and that includes living with the Ex).

So I was able to keep my status for the highest number of push-ups, keep my school pride, and the Cult of Dorkus will live on with the tales of the specialist who left the Master Sergeant speechless with the number of push-ups he could do.  

Because everything boils down to it....

Watching the coverage of the Inauguration, it occurs to me that this entire event is like having sex for the first time.  There's lots of build up, a lot of fanfare, tons of hype, only to be followed by 30 seconds of actions.  After which there is about 45 minutes of talk and explanation.  Also, afterwards the guy tends to be feeling pretty good while everyone else is left to go "Well now what?"

(Er...not that that's been my experience.....)

Live blogging history (because no one else will)...

Keith Olbermann was just explaining that the motorcade was about 3 minutes late, he attributed this to having the wheel VP Dick Cheney to the car.  Nice to know that Keith will continue to blame things on Cheney.

Chris Matthews is blowing hot air.

The commentators filling air by pointing out the Cabinet members.

The parade of former VPs, including Mondale, Quayle, and Gore. (Makes me thing of a D&D game getting under way)

Chris Matthews still blowing hot air.

The senior Bushes are getting fashion advice from Prince.

The incoming Secretary of State is turning into a blueberry.

Chris Matthews just won't stop talking.

The live feed keeps getting buggy, so I'm stopping for now.

Things you'll do....

Sun, 80,000 people, boredom.....

Random thoughts piling up in my brain....

I've been a tad distracted the last few days, to the point of not being able to think of something to write about so I figured why not just throw my thoughts up into the ether that is the internets....

-The extent to which Toyota Corollas have made my life difficult is reaching a head.

-The first of the lay offs have started at work...thankfully there are a few people ahead of me before I get canned.

-I'm willing to suffer a week of relatively private indignity if it results in not having a[nother] major medical issue.

-Me in a goatee....evil.  Me in a moustache....borderline creepy.

-I need a going away party soon.

-The Captain is a good man for trying to throw women at me.

-I miss the use of my right nostril.

-I am quickly running out of time around here.

-Are furries going mainstream now?

One a less than related note, in an effort to aid a longtime friend I'm adding another blog to the roll on the side.  Check out MDH News, she's a hilarious girl and never would have passed middle school math if it weren't for me.

My cat is cooler than your cat...

Goodnight Moon....

I didn't get as much sleep as I wanted last night and that bums me out.  It started off well enough, I got everything ready for the morning, I curled up in bed, cat lying strewn along my leg (I'm amazed at his balance) and read a book until I was tired.  I should explain that I have developed the bad habit of tossing and turning throughout the night and tend to wake up a couple of times for no apparent reason.  Also, the cat has seen fit to scream at the windows as of late.  So with him sleeping peacefully right beside me I thought that I might just get some actual sleep last night.

No.  Didn't happen.  I was sleeping just fine, not tossing about, not waking up.  The cat was calm and well behaved, until the smoke detector started acting stupid.  Being woken awake at 2:30 am by a shrill, sharp beep in not something I would recommend.  The cat jumped out of bed and ran to the living room while I searched the dark in vain to find the offending device.  Finally I turned on the light (give me a break it was the middle of the night) and found the blasted thing, which I promptly ripped off the wall and forcefully yanked the battery out of it.  

But alas, I'm afraid it was too late.  I was too much awake to simply lay back down and sleep.  Sadly, the cat was awake as well.  I should tell you that the cat acts as a snooze alarm for myself.  He takes it upon himself to make sure I am awake once my alarm goes off.  I think this has to do with our old tradition of me getting up and reading the paper while he curled up in my lap.  Now, whenever my alarm goes off, if I don't immediately get up he will scream in my ear to make sure I am awake.  I'm willing to guess that a smoke detector alarm is close enough to an alarm clock in the ears of a bengal cat.  

So I spent the next few hours, tossing and turning and trying to get my cat to stop screaming.  I eventually just tossed the cat in the bathroom like I always do and eventually made it back to sleep, just in time for the alarm clock to go off.  

Maybe tonight will be better.

Moon over Austin....

Between the two trees is a waxing gibbous moon as seen while kayaking Town Lake.

How to look evil....

First grow a goatee.  This is especially imperative if you are going to be an evil twin.  

Also, you should take note your the color of your clothes.  Robin's egg blue does not make you look evil, rather it makes you look just silly.  However a dark grey shirt will do the trick.  A general rule of thumb is to go with dark colors.  It is also helpful if the shirt is tight and form fitting, something on the order of what a typical douche bag would wear to a club on a Friday night.

My favorite punctuation....

I think I may have found the absolute best punctuation mark, the interrobang‽

Back in the good old days...

I really can not the describe the shock and horror that overcame me when I first saw this ad.  I've seen my fair share of offensive ads, such as the Fritos Bandito and The Ladders, but this one has them all beat.  

I like that the admen who created this put all the blame on the failure of this woman's marriage solely on her shoulders for not practicing "complete feminine hygiene".    What woman in her right mind would want to take the opportunity to squirt a scientifically correct, non-caustic preparation of Lysol up her hoo-hah to get rid of odors, so that her man can have a complete sexual experience.  Of course one can only imagine that when said wife went to perform her wifely duties her husband would be wondering whether she had just been cleaning the bathroom.

I don't know why he has a bowtie

One of the best warning labels I've ever seen.

I've heard of having your ducks in a row, but this is ridiculous...

I'm glad to see I wasn't the only one who decided to take advantage of the 85° weather here in town.

Overheard on New Years

There's bottles of champange I've haven't broken yet.

We love 'Dorkus'

Did you say give them rufies?

Flip Cup!

Did you do a keg stand twice in a row?